Am I Still Ill?

i stopped doing all of the things I loved, things that I was good at.

I traded it for time wasted on a skill I’d grown to hate. 

And no matter how hard I try to get back into it, I get frustrated because I feel like I’ve lost everything I had once had. I’ve lost my patience with it.

But tonight I realized something really important. I just need to be me. I need to work really hard for the things I want, no matter how far out of reach they are. Let’s pretend they’re attainable. 

Read more, draw more, write more, play more.

My life is short, I’m not going to waste it being miserable. There is a world out there waiting! There are people to be met, I want them to change my life. I want to travel and see the west coast. I want to buy new lights for my room and huge sweaters for fall. I want to smell the fresh air. Halloween will not be spent in my house this year. Im going out. I want to meet new people. People like me. Where do they hide? I cant be the only one who understands.

I want to meet people that push me forward in my life, not adapt to the people around me and call them my friends. 

I dont want to be sad anymore. i want to move on.

Slump

I think that I’ve been in a slump for the last year or two is because I gave up. I realized that life is just a load of bullshit and that I’m destined to be unhappy with my future. I realized my true passion is impossible to attain. 

If only I had a positive outlook about it beforehand, maybe things would be different for me right now. I want to fix things so badly. I just want to be a better me, I want to be insanely confident in everything I want from life and just take it with all I’ve got because in the end, we only live for so long. 

The only thing that makes me feel passion is music. I feel like something was started in the rock world and it only gets started to eventually get lost again. Music has been transformed into a shitty sound and we are so accustomed to hearing it that we actually think it sounds alright. There is a sound that I hear in a lot of 90s rock and recent “melodic pop punk”  that i really want to be felt. When I hear a transition with deep tones it makes me feel like FUCK YEAH THATS SO RIGHT, I NEED TO HEAR IT AGAIN. I wish I could fix it. I want to make that noise come out of my guitars. I need a new amp honestly. And I want a jaguar. For my 18th birthday I am definitely asking for one.

"Skinny"

I’ve struggled with my appearance for a lot of my life. I was chubby as a kid, and eventually grew out of it by the time I was 14.  I was average above the waist but below that I had very wide hips, and one day my friend asked me, “Why are your hips so big?” 

Every time I looked in the mirror after that, all I could see was how big they were compared to the rest of my body. Soon after that I decided I was too repulsive and I needed to fix it. I worked out for six months straight, lost almost 20 pounds. Lost all of my curves and ass. Still haven’t gotten them back. Still not satisfied.

And all of my family talks about how skinny I am when I’m really not! I’m average. I’m really insecure about it. Maybe its just an illusion by how I dress? But all I can see is the fat on my body and no matter what I do it won’t go away. I don’t understand how some girls do it, not even just being fit. Some of them have average size bodies or are curvy and they look stunning. With me it’s just a blob.

And I’ve been very conscious of it and I’ve been trying very hard. Maybe I’m just not meant for the body I desire. 

And my skin is awful. Please let the forces above clear it up for me. It is my greatest insecurity, and I really don’t even want to leave the house at this point. it’s not just one pimple. its all over my face. and its bad.